Desire to make change

Hi ladies and Craig,

I would first like to use this time to say I have a new faith in the nation I was born into. I have a belief that tomorrow will be better than today and that yesterday is a memory of an America that was, and still could be, but with faith and drive and the desire to see a better world it will not be. And that I see the possibility to proudly call myself American, something that I never truly said with honor before. Obama is the chance we needed to take, the human we want and the man that can push limitations, question accepted norms and make us reflect as individuals and a nation. This is a proud moment, and I am so joyous to see it play out in my lifetime.

I haven't had Internet all day because Stanford is greedy and doesn't provide an open wireless system. But even with their greed and bag checks at the exit to the library I have fallen inlove. (I like to see it as one word not two) I like to think I know what love is, and after much pondering as of late I think I managed to love a place as much as I love individuals or scrappy. I guess it really isn't a love of place, but rather a love of connectivity. I am a true believer of something feeling right. I live my life through feelings and me being here just feels right. The people are wonderful, the work is amazing and the opportunities are endless. And I walked into the design loft and coho (the cafe) and felt like I could see myself there. Like I could vision Jennifer walking to get a sandwich (which are AMAZING, Lily you would love it, and of course your brother recommended the place, good taste runs in the fam) i could decorate my little cubical and live a happy sleep deprived over worked life here. And thankfully I have some training in being over worked and under slept and fully committed.

I think I have never wanted anything in my life than to have the chance to be a part of this program. Being here has made me look at myself and my goals and wonder if what I want is even meaningful enough. I care a lot about people, although I claim to hate most people and I curse at, or openly express my annoyance with many people, I still care deeply about my human wo/man, particularly when s/he isn't an utter buffoon. But we all know when they are idiots I can't seem to stop myself from making them aware of their deficiencies as humans. With that said I don't know if my work up until this point has showcased that love of humanity and that care I have. And listening to projects and seeing how people are thinking has made me open my heart and mind to a whole new opportunity. It is great to make people question, to make people happy to make people feel good about themselves. I would never give that up in the world, but to make peoples lives better by helping them live, by giving them the opportunities to help them provide for themselves or their families is a gift that no pair of earrings can compare to. I watched a slide show on products designed here that made rice farmers in Asia finally be able to turn a profit by containing water for an irrigation system, another project that made families be able to save 50 plus dollars a year (which in Senegal is HUGE) on cooking supplies. And another project that to date has saved millions of children who would normally die in the home after birth because they were premature.
These projects just opened up a new world of design to me that I never thought I could be a part of, you think I am not a doctor or an engineer how could I impact someone on such a fundamental level, and the truth is we are all capable, but need to be able to see how we can participate in the dialogue.

Don't get me wrong I still want to be Oprah/Martha/Anna Wintour, but I think I am just adding to the list and seeing how I can make change and get metal crayon sleeves into the hands as as many people as I can.

But beyond my idealist rant, I just feel so right here. And visiting hasn't put pressure on me and scare me to the amount of work I have to do, but rather it makes me excited about the opportunity that I may get next year, or some other year down the line. Every day is an education, and as we all know we need to crawl before we walk, and who knows when in my life I will be able to walk fully as a designer, but I know that my path will come back to this place no matter if I get a big envelope on March 15th or a small one. I will try my hardest and push for the best and I will just see where that takes me. And all I want now is to do more work and keep creating. And also this trip has shown me that I need another year before I do this, I need to have a year where I work but don't kill myself and that I do something I would normally never do, because this program is probably as intense if not more intense than I am as a person, which means I would be working much harder than I already do, which is great but might put me in a distraught mental/physical and emotional state considering this year is probably just as hard as grad school. So if given the chance to come here next year I am going to defer for a year and do something else, maybe live in D &L's living room, maybe travel, maybe teach English, maybe date Mr timberlake, maybe even woof. But I know there is something I need to experience before I come here and get this education and I don't want to rush life like I normally do.

And now as I try to find Ian's room in the dark I am signing off. I miss you all very much and have thought a lot about friendship lately and how important it is, and I haven't mentioned how much you all mean to me and how much this blog means to me. So this is me saying it. I have been really crazy and loopy and have done things recently that are even a little over the top for me lately and I am realizing that lack of true human contact is the result of that. And I am going to do my best to put myself and my need to stay connected with the people I care about in the forefront of my life.