Sunday Night TV

Yesterday I started feeling sick, and this morning is no better. My throat hurts, my ears are plugged, my thinking is cloudy, and I can't figure out if I'm hot or cold. I forgot how miserable it is to be sick!! My damn sister gave me this bug. I hate her. And now I can't figure out if I should go into work tomorrow. I think I'm going to, and I can give up and work from home if I don't feel well enough after the first few hours in the morning. Ugh..

Anyhow, on to happier topics: Wednesday night was so much fun. I loved catching up with everyone and I spent the night smiling from ear to ear and hugging everyone. We didn't do much except hang out a danny's, take cabs across the city, change our minds and take cabs back. But it was perfect. (except no one remebered a camera!). I also talked to Alex and thank god he's canceling his trip to mumbai. Thanksgiving was great too. Tons of food, fancy wines, and turkey sandwiches pretty much every day since. Sounds like Thanksgiving to me.

Tonight I'm looking forward to my sunday night TV - Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters, Californiacation, and ....girls next door (my new secret favorite)! TV has become a very serious endevor. I have some important updates: 1st - A shot of love (formally with Tila Tequilla and the most trashy show to ever hit MTV - which says a lot) is coming back and now instead of Tila there are two twins trying to decide if they are gay or straight! I'll have to at least watch the first episode....2nd - Whitney from the Hills is getting her own TV show - "The City". I forget which magazine it was in, but I recently read that she's secretly really smart. I guess when she has her own show and has to say something other than "wow" "oh" and "you like sparkels" we'll find out if that's true!

p.s. Next week hopefully I'll have a picture of my new hair color, although it's a really subtle change so it might not look like anything happend. And I'll tell more about the colorful audience at the Usher concert.

also--a little music!

sorry for the multiple posts, but i had completely forgotten the widget i made...just a sampling of what i've been listening to through this application period. its a little bit broadway, a little bit 80s (who doesn't love total eclipse of the heart? it makes me just want to jump up and belt it) and yes, a little country homage to our blog
please listen!

on another note, i was trying to find the theme song to the mary tyler moore show, they had done some sort of tribute to it on tv today, it being ahead of its time on feminism issues apparently with mary living on her own, as a single working girl. anyways, the theme song for most of the show (which is on this playlist, "who can turn the world on with her smile..") is decidedly more upbeat then what was the original lyrics for the 1st season:

How will you make it on your own?
This world is awfully big, girl this time you're all alone
But it's time you started living
It's time you let someone else do some giving

and then! instead of "you're gonna make it after all" it was "you might just make it after all"
a little sadder no??
anyways, just a little bit of tv trivia. enjoy the music!

first real snow! turkey! and SO many essays...no exclamation point

it is snowing! while we've had some flurries this is our first real snow, so exciting and so pretty! it sadly did not snow in time for thanksgiving, it was just cold and a bit gray, but it made it perfect to snuggle in with a cup of tea, family and a big fat bird. (speaking of, j how DID your family eat an 18lb turkey? even with dad and both brothers working at it we still have 3 tupperwares worth of extra meat....which made for turkey sandwiches for lunch and turkey soup for dinner...ugh)
thanksgiving dinner was lovely, although this year it was only the immediate family plus my grandmother, we almost always do big holidays with the big extended fam (who were out of town this year) and the table felt very small this year with only 6. i think thanksgiving in particular is really a holiday done best with 10 or more. nevertheless it was lovely! "p" spent the whole time mocking "i", (who is in a sling because he just had shoulder surgery) and asking if he needed someone to cut his meat for him, and then sawing into his own portion, and the whole family spent the evening avoiding my grandmother's relish tray, which she insists on bringing to all big family dinners and no one, extended family included, ever touches it. ever.
anywho, i hope everyone had wonderful holidays!
apart from eating i spent the day writing 4 essays, and filling out applications, incredibly boring/painful but now i'm SO close to being done, which is exciting as i go to boston next week! i think i've settled on painting my room a "lemon" color-thoughts? i did realize however, i had somewhat forgotten in the midst of applications, that i have no job waiting for me. which is a sobering thought, and more than a little scary. if worse comes to worse though, i can always go an be a dancing eggplant in that italian cheese commerical (yes? remember? earlier post?). i did realize that i'm going to have to fill the days while d's off "working". and yes, i have a million things to do between moving in and job applications, but i do have the image in my head of spending my days doing this (which really wouldn't be so bad/i might still do once i get a job).....


miss you all!

It's a small world

So i was informed by my friend JFS, that we both went to middle school with (and i possibly went to high school with, i was kind of oblivious at the time) S's work friend Daniel! crazy times!

and a little more holiday love:

Happy End of Turkey Day!

I'm sorry i didn't post yesterday, my internet got the best of me, but today it is working for me (yet another thing to be thankful for). As this day is about contemplating what you are thankful for, I want to say how thankful I am for all of you and this lovely experiment of a blog. Even if i don't have your presence, i have your voices in my life. And that is truly something to be thankful for (want a little butter for that corn-bread. ha. anyone get that? no? you get the point at least) :)

I love this house

Hi guys,

I am so lucky to say that I am laying on D and L's livingroom floor after eating a geriatric approved dinner and this place is so wonderful.  I am so jealous of this home.  I am going to spend as much time as I can in this city and in this house and with these wonderful people.  I think about how far I am from having my own little piece of heaven and I can only hope that my welcome will not be outstayed as I visit this place every weekend, like every weekend.

As we approached D's house I kept asking if the following house was hers, saying it was a real live adult house, and she said house, not actually adult house.  But I must beg to differ.  There has never been a more adult home I have met, not b/c it is stuffy or filled with adult things, but rather because it is filled with lots of love.  And I think we all kinda look at our lives as just extensions of our college or even some (me for example) and extension of our teenage years.  But as a young 22 I can very much say that we are adults and are doing very important things.  I realized that I decided to come to boston before I went to NY without any consultation with my mother.  That might not seem like much to most of you out there, but it is a big deal in my life.  And the realization that I make most of my decisions whether they be what to eat or where to go or what to do without asking my parents is sorta a big deal. 

And walking into this lovely home that is very much an adult home has made me realize how happy I am even if I am living in h-town and scoring monkey like grades on the gre or eating donuts for dinner b/c I realized that was the only thing I had in my home. 

Daisy said over dinner which consisted of all liquified veggies that we have come a long way since we met our freshman fall.  I eat bran cereal and local organic granola, we have jobs, we live not with the parents and we basically could never have imagined this is where we would be 4 years after we met on that faithful day during trips. Then after we spoke for a little longer I asked if in 45 years we would be having this very same liquified meal together at some table in some city, and she said yes but probably out of a straw.  I don't know how I feel about the straw, but I hope we are still having meals together, and I guess in the best world the table would have a few more chairs and a few more friends around it. 

Kitty is asleep on my back as I write, but it is late and I need to do a little research about my adventure alone in boston tomorrow morning which will consist of going to the museum and getting a cordless drill.  Hope you are all doing well and enjoying the day or night wherever you are.

love,

J

Desk and Domestic Adventures: a story in pictures

ok so heres the deal with my job after week 1.

 the people are still great and the material would be somewhat interesting if i only understood any of it.

but as is i feel useless no matter how hard i work. today i managed to lose a 40 page document id spent four hours obsessively making for an extremely time sensitive project.

fucking fantastic.

and then in my panic at having to redo it in under an hour, i stapled my hand. 

moral: dont take your anger out on a stapler. it bites back. 

i do realize how long of a process it is to feel comfortable in a job so im not frustrated at that part and im actually feeling relatively patient about it because i love boston and i love the life im making here but there is one thing i cant deal with and thats my cubicle.

cant

stand it.

and as if i weren't having enough trouble sitting in a five by five grey space for ten hours a day, a visit from a particularly adventurous loved one who is about to take off across the country on a motorcycle for an indefinite number of months threw my cube-loathing into a frenzy. 

i hear the seconds of my life ticking by in the humming of the halogen. 

i literally cant work there. i spend fifteen minutes out of every hour looking numbly at the non desrcript grey walls and wondering what soulless miserable aesthetically void decision maker actually chose the color... 

who thought it would be a good idea to hole a human up in a cell of a space with no access to a window and expect any level of productivity?

could you really be brilliant in this space?

because i cant. 

im just starting to add some postcards as you can see, on the right wall.

i think ill add a cube-pic of the week so you can all chart the D-ification of this wretched space.

speaking of wretched....i present, the office plant:
its so cliche its unbearable.

ive actually tried watering it a few times and everyone thinks im crazy and its sure not doing anything its as pitiful as ever but i swear the day i walk by it and dont feel sorry for it is the day i need to get the fuck out of this office.

on brighter topics, yesterday i took a walk ending up in brighton, an extremely funky area, and  i actually hit the MECCA of all thrift spots... a place called urban renewal which is a MASSIVE warehouse of color coordinated highly organized AWESOME second hand clothing. take a look at this rack:
what? where am i? heaven? thought so. 

and then there were the shoes:
i got a pair of seventies snowboots and a pair of gold heels for a grand total of 7 bucks. i practically skipped out of there. 

along the way i came across a great dane in an olive colored oxford:

the goal of the trip had really been to check out sofas... and eventually i couldnt avoid it anymore and did find a few decent cheap ones in a sketchy furniture warehouse where they were slashing prices for me so fast and furiously i thought they might just give me the damn thing... 

but i walked away. 

buying a sofa is a loaded issue for me... ever since i realized i actually had to fill a full apartment i began to experience this strong furniture commitment phobia. 

it goes back to the cubicle craziness... im just not ready to settle...i guess. 

the idea of owning a couch has felt like id be tying a big ass sofa shaped anchor around my neck that id have to drag through my life forever more keeping me from ever picking up and flying away if the urge ever struck me.

but i walked home last night thinking about the options i had in the couch department, one of which being a pile of pillows in the middle of my living room... and all of a sudden i felt ready. and i knew exactly which one i wanted.

three weeks ago mom and i went to jennifer convertibles in nashua and they had a special on a very small honey brown corduroy pull out sofa... and i liked it but at that point was still breaking out in a sweat at the thought of a mattress so we didnt pursue it...

well today after work i walked to the nearest jennifer and they happened to have the same one in the showroom and i looked at that sweet soft little couch and it looked at me and i said: i could live with you. i think i love you.

itll be delivered two weeks from yesterday. im actually thrilled. 

and i dont feel my chest tightening at the thought of it. 

is that upward growth or are my roots just drawing down into the boston dirt? is that a bad thing? 

Speaking of roots i thought id enclose a few pix of the place, more to be put up on facebook  when i FINALLY finish painting which i havent because without B its just no fun and after a long day of sitting in place i just cant find the strength to lift a roller....

but here are two of my favorite little details of the house

i cant wait to share the space with lil and all the rest of you when you come to stay with us. 

no really.  now ive got a sofa with a pull out full size bed. youre coming.

this is an angle of the kitchen. the pix actually a little old the landlady just put in an all new dishwasher and you can see in the reflection ive got pans hanging on the opposite wall but ive added a bunch more since then...its a wonderful sweet cheery space. it looks and feels just the way i think kitchens should. full and warm and cozy.

the bathroom. 

also exceptionally cheery due almost entirely to the best shower curtain ever.

target kids section.

love it.

oh and then today i got the wonderful natural wood matchstick blinds id ordered for my room and mistook myself for someone who was, you know, handy, and in my attempts to hammer/screw/drill the thingies into the wall managed to remove some portion of the windowsill. 

but its no biggie because im the luckiest unhandy girl ever, having conveniently made friends with lots of people who know how to put shit together. and fix my inane mistakes.

J is coming to stay tomorrow night powertools in tow. 

love it.

love you all.

Hap T-Gives (as Tyler would say)

I know it's not Sunday for the rest of you - but I'm definitely still posting on my day California time. Right now I'm pretty excited that this is going to be a short week and then a holiday! As anyone who visited the glorious 22B apartment around holiday season will remember - I really love the holidays (and all the decorations that come with them). Everyone arrives home Wednesday night and we're having a big night out in the city. There seems to be a desire to have a theme, so I am pushing for "classy theme" - also known as S would rather wear a fancy cocktail dress than any of the other costumes suggested. Surprise Surprise. Also I will be dying my hair auburn on Wednesday (picture to come next week!) and as long as my hair is all blown dry and pretty, I want to wear an outfit to match. No word yet on whether everyone else will go along with my theme... And then it's down to Pebble Beach with the family, God Bob, and his girlfriend. I'm really looking forward to some pie baking!

I think half of why this holiday is so exciting to me is that I've started to get bored out of my mind. And I don't really know why. I'm busy all day and I've had some sort of activity every weekend - but there is something about still living at home that makes me feel like I'm not growing up at all. Pictures of a couple of my friends living in SF popped up on facebook tonight and I realized that I haven't made it out for a night in the city for weeks. I also talked to Tyler and Alex this weekend - Tyler is busy getting blackout and visiting his brother in yurts and Alex is going to parties at Arab prince's houses and getting in fights with cab drivers. I definitely felt like I didn't have my fair share of crazy stories to share (except for the crazy woman at the Usher concert who basically started stripping....). Anyhow, I don't mean to complain, I really don't have anything to complain about - this is just my way of saying that I am really really ready and excited for this week!

Happy Holidays!

23, um, songs, for 23 years of A!

in honor of A's big 23rd bday i made her a little juke on my favorite online gadget of all times, grooveshark...
its quite a fascinating experiment, i must say, searching "happy birthday" in the annals of music.
i was determined to have 23 songs so i had to sacrifice quality...and sanity...somewhere around the tenth tune.
sooooo unfortunately they grow progressively more depressing deranged and somewhat inappropriate the farther down the list you go.
its the thought that counts, right?!
some of the songs-all named "happy birthday"- that didnt make the cut:
a song about the birth of baby jesus.
a song about an aborted fetus
(whoa those last two rhymed. i wasnt going for that)
and crazy death metal song that made my ears bleed

dear old dartmouth

did we realize the new treasury secretary obama just announced, timothy f. geithner, has this much forehead?

moreover, that he is a dartmouth grad?
ive had my head in media lists all week so i might have missed the obvious.
heres the article i read on Slate.

The craziness continues.

I just lost my glasses.

The one's that I was wearing. On my face. To see.

Lost.

I took them off and then went to answer my cell phone, then when I came back, they were gone.

I'm wearing a spare set now, but haven't managed to find the glasses.

Again, what is going on?

really? has it come to this?

so we all know that i am a big supporter of moderately bad/ridiculous/cheesy musicals, theater, movies etc. that said, i was shocked when an ad for THIS popped up on the screen last night while i was watching the office:really? really? high school musical THE ICE TOUR? is there a need for that? and who is going to see it? especially when its not like you can't get your hsm fix in other ways....the movie...the bway show/the national tour of either hsm1 or hsm 2....the other 2 dvds. again, THE ICE TOUR????????? question mark??
what a sad day for american culture. and yes, i know this is coming from the girl who loved legally blonde: the musical and went to hsm3 on opening day, but there is a difference between the slightly tacky/corny/the over-use of pink, all of which is amusing and at least mildly entertaining and just painful and unecessary.
sorry, there's my rant for the day. other than hsm:the ice tour (again-really?), no big news here. i'm slowley working through all of these apps although now it actually seems as though they might get done, i'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel if you will. so woo! i'm hoping i can power through most of them this weekend and then spend next week eating and packing/prepping for boston! i'm so excited to get to paint, and unpack and nest and move into the apartment! just 8 1/2 applications to go to get there....
now, lest you be worried that i wouldn't post a musical clip that i know you all love so much, here's one, that definitely is a little tacky/corny but always makes me smile (d, i know you hate this show, sorry)....this is the opening scene from Hairspray!

Three things.

1) I have absolutely had it with the phrase "team of rivals." I can't take it anymore. Using one of the many GRE words I'm learning, at this point, it's just hackneyed (def: trite and commonplace from frequent usage). I'm going to go postal on my news broadcasters. Watch it CNN and MSNBC, I'm gunning for you. Literally.

2) The executives from the Big Three automakers were in Washington this week seeking a bailout for their industry. Actually, it'd be a "bridge loan" but that's besides the point. Regardless of what you think of whether they should get the money or not, the big news item of yesterday that the media jumped on was that all the executives flew private jets from Detroit to Washington. Some guy on Good Morning America broke the story and then during the congressional testimony they were asked point blank about it and blah blah blah. Cry afoul for the symbolism and waste of money when the companies are in the tanker. Okay, I get that, I get what you're doing and your point. But just stop. You're drawing attention away from talking/informing about the direct issue at hand, the reasons and consequences of the auto industry failing and whether they deserve money or not. This whole private jet thing is just a distraction, a useless distraction that is wasting time.

3) Thank god I decided to sign up for the GRE today. Last time I checked, several weeks ago, it seemed that there were dates and times every day of the week at multiple times, so I figured I was golden. Not so. I checked today and the closest testing center doesn't have openings till Jan 2 (a problem since my first deadline is Dec 18). Problem. Thankfully, the testing center in Chicago had an opening on Dec 2. At 9am. That'll be quite the annoying commute in the morning, but at least I'll be able to get it done. I had a momentary freak out before I saw the Dec 2 date.

I'm doing things!

Although not if my internet has any say in the matter. I've been trying to post (and comment) and having issues. So slowly, very slowly, I feel like I'm starting to come out of the funk that has been my life these past couple of months. Although at the same time I technically have nothing to do, I seem to have so much to do right this second. I've said this before, but so much of my life seems to hinge on making decisions that take time and processing, hence why I've felt so stuck/ in a standstill lately. But I feel better that I am getting out and about a bit more. I drove up to Ventura to visit JFS on friday for her friend's (and mine through her) birthday (where i got rear ended when sitting at a red light, no worries no damage on my end, but it definitely put me in mind of the Dane cook bit, although these people were really apologetic, like alcohol involved apologetic). Then I drove back to LA and went out with O (who I hadn't seen for a while) to a wine bar on saturday. It was exciting because we finally did something we had been talking about doing for such a long time, we cabbed there and back (not a common thing in LA)and I stayed over her house and the next morning we had a nice breakfast. At the wine bar we has a slight adventure with this group of guys, although I feel like the hilarity won't translate well over posting (especially they way I tell stories, you all know what im talking about). then yesterday, i went to Planned Parenthood's Bingo for Choice event. Oh man, SO FUN!! Belle Aire was the MC and it was risque bingo. Think about this for a moment, can you think of anything better for me than bingo or like game with explicit sexual overtones? that is my idea of an evening well spent. I didnt' win anything (the grand prize was a box of "goodies" from Pleasure chest and vibrators and cockrings were an added bonus for other winners) I came close when we played the "frank and beans" game, just ponder that. sigh, so good. Then today I went to the holiday open house night in manhattan beach, all the shops stay open and have drinks and food and decorations, it was fun.
in regards to J's post, i actually came across this article the other day about her new song/her songs in general. http://postbourgie.com/2008/10/27/if-you-liked-it-then-you-shoulda-put-a-ring-on-it-beyonce-and-socially-conservative-ideology/
i do have to say that although i love Beyonce, you all know that I can't stop the booty from shaking when her songs come on, but I have always felt a bit funny about them. They seem "empowering" yet they seemed to be conservative in regards to gender roles at the same time. The article says it better than me, although I don't know if I completely agree with it. I need to think on it more, but I wanted to put that out there.
I also found two other great sites one is SomeEcards.com, SO FUNNY, some are sad and other inappropriate, but mostly i rate them as funny. on the more intellectual front, you all need to check this site out: http://contexts.org/socimages/

and now ill leave you on an appropriate hump day note:


HA!

I have a BED

Woohoo, I have a bed, like one that doesn't deflate.  Okay so I won't know until the morning if it actually doesn't deflate but until then I am living it up!

I am bored

and cold. I am sitting in my room after a full day of work and am bored.  I took a break this weekend and just studied for the GRE and somehow lost my motivation.  I should be studying now or drawing or doing something productive, but I can't.  It might be the lack of heat in my room or something.  Not sure. I sorta have been dealing with it all day. Today at work I was scrambling to find stuff to do b/c it is a down week.  I guess I should be glad that I have some down time, but now I am just confused.  I got used to running around like a crazy. 

Today was also my first all staff meeting.  It started well because I got a shot-out from big J to formally introduce me to the staff in person. But basically we just talked about how poor the school is right now, but we should be glad because we have a lot more money than most colleges or art centers.  Which is true, we fortunately are in the situation where all our cushion and extra money is gone, but we can still survive.  Most places don't have that luxury, and when the money doesn't come in the lights, water and heat turn off.  The first number being kicked around for this years cut in my area of the college is $210,000.  And the numbers for the subsequent years can go past $600,000.  Even the modest number of 210 is no longer just looking at ordering less paper and paperclips, now we are seriously talking cutting jobs either by a round of layoffs or by decreasing a large group of people to part-time.  This is really scary because you get to know all the people in the office and wonder who can afford to take that kind of cut.  Everyone has families or are struggling singles myself included in the ladder. No one went into arts administration for the money, but now the money isn't even there.  So many of these people have two jobs and are just trying really hard.  

I think just rehashing this story has made me realize I wasn't bored before but sad and worried for the start of the arts in general.  We talked today so much about how many theater companies and arts centers are just folding.  And yes we have seen many banks fold or get eaten up by other banks, but I haven't heard of many serious pay cuts for people making lots of money, or fewer stays in luxury hotels, or general conservative spending.  I just wonder on the scale of good how these companies stack up with the little personal business that are dying and waitress who are noticing a 50% drop in tips.  PS world, if you can't afford to tip you can't afford to eat out, so maybe you should re-think that decision to walk into the restaurant.  I can survive on pasta and turkey, but you can't raise a family on that. And thats where it hits you hard when you realize that people who lived fairly modestly with their children are now going to cut out a lot or get into serious debt to survive the next year/s.   

I typically don't feel bad for middle class america, yes I know I am a terrible person but I know that is like to aspire to be middle class america, so my understanding is different.  But now seeing the extent of the economy in the last week and my current reality, or rather the reality of my coworkers freaking out after our meeting has made me feel really bad.  

One positive for this current state and the arts is that it is giving lots of people including myself lots of material to work from.  I was looking at a slide show on the NY times site that showed a Brooklyn artist who is painting the major players in the economic crisis and bring the canvases to Wall St. for people to write on.  Talk about interactive art. And I had only toyed with the idea of creating mattress money bags, but now I am contemplating making it for my own use. I plan on weathering this storm either in grad school or in brazil, hell maybe in both places. I think I am going to get back to being productive.

But first, I am going to share some of how I spent my sunday and monday off days, by watching the following. 

Is it me or is that just too much thigh to put on TV?  And crotch too, I felt a little uncomfortable when watching it.  I haven't seen a music video in so long and then I was confronted by Beyonce's stuff.  I mean I can't think of a single person who can do what she is doing better, but I don't know how I feel about this video.  I thought I didn't like the song, but i heard it today without the video and enjoyed it.  I could see myself totally dancing to this song in my room, but probably not the way she dances to it. 

And on a happy note I think my new and improved airbed gets here tomorrow!  Which is pretty big because now  its just stupid that my butt is on the floor every morning.

and lets liven the mood with a little Lady gaga.  I adore this song, but how is this person the same age as me.  I guess lilo is the same age too, sometimes I wonder if I never was a teenager or something because apparently I never reached my sexual freedom.  Don't worry I don't have any aspirations of wearing hot pants or showing my stuff to the world

Odd Behavior.

Not sure what's going on, but this late-morning, while I was making an egg scramble for breakfast, the first egg, I managed to split and break open directly into the trash, instead of the bowl I set aside for it. Imagine the sight of it for just a second. Here I was, had everything set out (spinach, onions, cheese, eggs) and put a bowl out to mix the eggs in. And then for some odd reason, I crouch over the trash, and break the egg directly into it. It's as if, my mind momentarily switched the shell and the insides in importance. As if the inside was the wasteful part to throw away and the shell was the important part to keep after it separated. Not sure what to make of it, but I had a good laugh.

And then while eating aforementioned egg scramble at the kitchen table, a bird flew into the window. I didn't see it when it happened, but heard the pang on the window saw the bird flutter away (and seemed to be unharmed) then noticed the splotch of feathers left on the outside of the window.

What is going on?

one woman fire drills and big ass gold balls / getting hazed in the workplace

well, folks, its happened, ive officially survived my first day at my first nine to five aka, 8:30-6, aka grown up job, aka, i have my own cubicle, aka, gross.
BUT
but.
something pretty beautiful also happened.
if my estimations are correct and if today was any indication of reality, i have stumbled upon the most unlikely and hilarious dysfunctional family of a team to ever hit the PR world.
allow me to give you the line up (theres only five of us in the boston office)
BREEZEMAN- aka, the straight LOOKING but extremely gay man who is one of the heads of the team and who is constantly two steps behind the convo because hes always on his blackberry and then will jump in with a completely inappropriate comment slash loves to aggrivate the shit out of my boss but saying repeatedly, "oh, it was a total breeze for me," or "i just breezed right in. just breeeeezed right in" when shes been struggling with something or trying to go somewhere. bone dry sense of humor. two second attention span.
GREEKLADY- the very greek woman (young, beautiful, tiny) who learned her english in london and so speaks with so many accents and practically purrs her words so that i cant understand what the fuck shes saying most of the time and im not sure she knows either. think of the decorator in father of the bride, and put that voice out of selma hayeks mouth. ALmost impossible to take her seriously except that shes extremely successful.
SWEETCHEEKS- 25, aparently married, wears too much makeup and is way too put together to make any sense to me, but SO sweet, set up my whole cubicle with the forty wires and the scary buttons and answered 299 of my 300 questions.
but most of all....
BOSSLADY- the funiest person ive met in at least a decade. she is a ball of energy and wears jeans to work. and to giv eyou an example of her sense of humor: today walking away from the lunch we went out to get in my honor at legal seafood (she practically force fed me a tuna burger, it was great, but really, she was very insistent) ( and im pretty sure normally we work and eat lunch in "the cube" this was nothing normal) she scared the shit out of me by insisting i had to perform the fire drill on my own from the 14th floor, down the stairs in under two minutes. thats 14 flights. and, while i was at it, i had to find a way to get one of teh massive gold balls from the prudential center xmas decorations to her office. because she wanted one. and she didnt care if it was illegal, just run faster. and then all of a sudden as im looking at the human-sized balls across the stress she goes, DAMN GIRL ITS CALLED HAZING! JUST JOKING.
later in the day she popped out of her cube and said that her mom had gotten her tickets for tina turner and in her exhuberance decided to give sweetcheeks a lap dance while singing her impressively accurate rendition of tiny dancer. yeah. thats my boss.
but all insanity aside, shes so pumped abotu what shes doing she almost got me to be as excited. which is impressive since its something i know nothing about and never thought to look into: green technology.
she gave me somebody to work for. they all did.
and as they said, its a special, special little office.
i might be really turned off by the aesthetic environment and most of the work ill be doing but today, most MOST unexpectedly after training, I laughed to the point that i questioned if i should excuse myself to the bathroom.
and thats pretty much all i could ask from a first day.
love to you all.
D

Back in the Bay

As the latest addition to this wonderful blog - I've been told to give a brief overview of my job/life to the loyal readers. I was planning on writing my first post last week, but, as usual, I got completely distracted. Alex and I are going to Japan in April (!!!!) and of course with only 5 months to go I've been spending every free hour I have trying to plan the trip. I think I end up enjoying the planning more than the trip sometimes. Anyhow, last weekend I was obsessively debating between four different ryokans in Kyoto and all of a sudden it was midnight and I had some work left to do and no time to post. But today I am determined not to be distracted!

So a little update on my life - I am back in my favorite place in the world (aka the San Francisco bay area) where it is currently about 75 degrees. It's amazing! I've been working for about 4 months now as an associate marketing manager (I'm just going to call the company C because I don't want the PR people who monitor blogs for product reviews to pick up this blog). It's kind of weird, I never imagined that I'd spend 50 hours a week thinking about cleaning products, but all in all I think I really lucked out. My job is interesting, the hours are decent, the people at work are great, I've made good friends with a couple of the other AMMs that started with me, and I get to go to farmers markets every weekend! It's definitely not perfect though- a lot of my friends are still finishing up school, I'm still living at home, and I'm dealing with a steep learning curve at work. Plus there is so much I need to teach the other new people at work about. For instance, while we were driving up to my house in Napa for the weekend I pointed out that we were driving through Vallejo, the home of E-40. One of the girls thought it was a type of gas! (he's pretty much the best bay area rapper since Tupac...I mean really....).

I see that you often post pictures and videos so I thought I would attach a picture of my new work friends Daniel and Alice (we all went to play croquet for a work connectivity event, not so great for my hand eye coordination). Sadly we work on different floors so I rarely see them at work, but Daniel and I have lunch every Thursday and he's addicted to pools so on warm weekends he brings friends over to swim. I've met at least 10 of his middle school friends, which makes me happy because then I can show my parents that I'm not totally weird for having so many middle school friends. Anyhow, hopefully I'll have more interesting things to add next week. Hope everyone is doing well!!

Radio.

In my attempts to ween myself off of TV news coverage, I've been listening to the radio more and more.

This past Thursday was listening for Maroon 5 songs and trying to be the 10th caller, but again, as last week, I my rings did not get through. I really wonder how anyone manages to get through in the first place.

And I've noticed that the main station I listen to that basically plays Top 100 songs, they really onlt play the same 25 songs which can drive you crazy.

So I've been turning on the oldies station and it's just great.

And discovering NPR. The programs are hit or miss. I'm listening to this week's Prairie Home Companion and not really enjoying it (not a problem though since it's on in the background while I shove vocabulary into my head). While driving earlier to the library on the show SoundOpinions, they traced the development of "bubblegum pop" starting with the Jackson 5 all the way to the Backstreet Boys/Nsync; quite entertaining.

I'm glad that I've finally had the chance to start listening to is This American LIfe. All sorts of great stories. The one below is the latest one that I've listened to. David Sedaris tells the first story, but the second story is too funny. The third story is okay. Treat yourself to a good 48 minutes.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=104

THIS ARTICLE had me howling with laughter.
theres a chance its just me, seeing as how i didnt actually see anyone but my landlady MaryLou yesterday...
but no, its really quite a hoot.
especially because i bought a hammer the other day and the packaging almost sawed my hand off at the wrist.
between this and the "special veggie" article L posted, NYT seems to be taking themselves a little less seriously.
theyre becoming positively cheeky.

Airbed

So to all those who told me to shove my slightly inflated airbed into the tub full of water has obviously never shoved a slightly inflated airbed into a tub of water.  It doesn't work.  I looked like i peed myself and  have a wet bed in my hallway.  I think it is time to spring on a real bed or at least another airbed

productivity and dog doors....

so if i may say so myself WOW! what a productive day this has been. i decided to finally motivate myself and power through writing my law school "personal statement" about why i want to go to law school/be a lawyer, which i had put off partly because i really do HATE personal/creative writing pieces (sorry, d), not from other people, i just hate hate writing them. it's not my strength....at all. also, since i still don't know if i want to go to law school at all, the question of "why?" is a very difficult one and "i can't find a job" doesn't really seem like enough of an essay....anyways i sat around writing, and rewriting awful paragraphs that didn't really say anything. (i even considered utilizing this absolutely ridiculous NYTimes article i saw from yesterday about how the EU is lifting it's ban on "ugly" fruits and vegetables, read it! my personal favorite quote is, from one of the EU agricultural commissioners, "This marks a new dawn for the curvy cucumber and the knobbly carrot,” in the end though, i decided as far as my essay is concerned it probably wasn't best to compare myself to a misshapen fruit). anyways, it was a very frustrating and semi-painful process, but in the end i decided just to write about why i chose my history major and how much, especially senior year, i loved looking at art/architecture not as art but as examples of historical change, (don't worry, i kept the adolf references from senior winter to a minimum) ending with how i would ideally like to practice law in some facet of the art world. its not much and its not entirely done yet, but its the only thing that felt truthful. writing it also made me realize that i need to more seriously consider joint law/history masters programs, because, really, there's nothing i love more than sitting and reading about some good socialist buildings, except possibly broadway.
so anyways, i realize that i'm rambling, but that was basically my day. since i decided to apply so late in the game (these are all due dec. 1), i've been pretty stressed recently about getting it all done, and it's been especially hard to motivate getting these done for a degree i'm not even sure i want to get, but this has given me new focus/energy for the process, so yay!
besides personal statement writing, my day consisted of dog walking the 2 enormous bernese mountain dogs next door (as well as my dog), and then teaching the bernese how to use the dog door into the house. while they looked at me a little oddly the first two times i crawled in and out of the dog door, i think by the 3rd time they had gotten the hang of it....
finally, i thought i would end on the musical note (i mean, obvi) with "springtime for hitler", the big production number from "the producers" (this is from the '05 movie)....so offensive, and so ridiculous

Too Good Not to Share

I found this article and I immediately thought of our D while reading it. But i think that all of us can find a bit of ourselves in it. So worth reading.

http://bitchmagazine.org/article/the-ambition-condition


D decided to return the favor with this gem:
note: watch until the end

It's the little things/Viva Las Vegas

The updated version:

As the psychic who approached me on the streets of Vegas (more on that in a sec) put it, it doesn't take much to make me happy, the little things make me happier even more than the big things (although i don't know if that's true, big things make me happy too, just different kinds of happy). I do derive pleasure from the little things in life, a warm moment between friends, cute pictures of cute animals, my new glasses, a good cup of tea, any kind of pun, an unexpected innuendo and so on. I just got back from rollerblading along the bike path at the beach. It was cool and dark, there weren't many people but enough that i felt safe. I had my trusty ipod shuffle playing perfect mood music low enough that i could still hear the sound of the waves crashing. I breathed in the smell of ocean and fires burning (because her in SoCal we light our fireplaces when it gets into the low 60s) and the felt the slight sting of the salty air breeze on my perspiring face. I love the feeling of gliding, almost flying, along the concrete. All these little experiences together just seem to cut through and calm me and generate a permeating feeling of contentedness. It just doesn't get better than being in that moment.
Rollerblading actually hit the spot because I have had a crazy week and have been a jumble of nerves all day. Allow me to recount:
I went to Vegas this past weekend with my friend JFS and my mother. Mom was doing a wedding and she brought JFS and me along for fun. Highlights/lowlights include:
- 4 hour drive there with no traffic
- great food! amazing pasteries for breakfast. biggest steak ever for dinner, seriously the biggest steak ive ever seen. and cheesecake lollipops, yummy
- gambling. i played the slots and the tables for the first time! i had my chips and everything. JFS prefers blackjack, i lost money on that game. Im a fan of casino war (just the card game war with money), no thinking involved. I actually was up at one point.
- Saw O. Oh My God. It's beyond description, i mean most cirque du soliel is but wow, just wow. It blew my mind.
- wedding reception for people I didn't know (mom did obviously) was awkward, JFS and I left early.
- make up courtesy JFS and got dressed for "going out". Let me tell you about what people wear in vegas, what the women wear specifically. Basically, women wear heels and clothing that leaves them in danger of revealing one to all of their typically private areas. Another issue I had (of course i would have issues in vegas, i can't quiet my cultural critic completely, alcohol helps though) was that prostitution is legal there and although i have complicated views about prostitution, what i unequivocally do not like are the people who stand on the sidewalk wearing shirts saying "For Girls call..." and handing out these cards with naked women and the number you call to purchase them. I do have to admit I did wear a shirt that highlighted my bountiful bust (yeah that's right bountiful) and I looked damned good.
- Smoked a couple of stogies (at my insistence). i actually semi-enjoyed it.
- Semi-molested by drunk women who asked us for light. She caressed my breast and slapped my ass. always nice to be complimented (it's the vegas way).
- A psychic approached us and I paid for a sidewalk reading, i mean there were some things she said that were uncanny, totally worth it.
- drinks. drinks were free on the casino floor and we got this Eiffel tower thing full of frozen strawberry goodness and alcohol, although i never did get drunk.
- went to Tao in the Venetian. Some celebrities there. danced scandalously with a man. may have made out with him on the dance floor (i know, i know). gave him my number, never expecting to hear from him again
- general merriment
Quite the eventful weekend. I actually had a great time and didn't lose that much money ultimately.
Then came tuesday. On tuesday I get a call from vegas man, he wants to get to know me better. Enter feelings of shock. So we talked, i was strange on the phone because i didn't know what to do with myself, this was not expected. We talked again today actually. He was quite cute as i remember and has a great laugh, but I don't know what to do with all of his offers to get together, like me flying to San Fran or driving back to vegas or him coming down to LA. well i know not to be in non-public places but seriously, im just caught completely off guard.
apparently what happens in vegas sometimes keeps calling.... anyway I see no harm in talking on the phone and so far so good, ill keep you updated
On top of all that excitement I got a couple of emotion inducing phone calls yesterday. One had to do with my father situation (got an email about it today as well), drama, and big decisions to be made on that. The other one had to do with the health of my thyroid. Could be a fluke, if not still only a slight imbalance, but I have to make an appointment with an endocrinologist to see if I indeed have hypothyroidism.
SO yeah, wow life, when it rains it pours. There might be more rollerblading in my future. (on a tangent, it was actually all the more exciting because i faced some of my anxiety and went rollerblading my myself)

I really think I live my life by Ugly Betty and the Devil Wears Prada

So I am sure you all know my obsession with the Devil Wears Prada and Ugly Betty, but if you don't know, basically I am obsessed by them and feel as if my life is a direct reference to UB and many a life lesson can be learned from watching the DWP.  And today I finally put one of those life lessons to use.

I complain a lot about my job.  I am always working, always getting random crap from some of the older people here since I am about 10 years younger than the youngest person working  here and well sometimes I think people just like to hear themselves talk, but I have noticed my drive for this job has been going down.  I get annoyed at how they seem to not realize I am a part-time worker and I always feel like I am playing catch up. So at 7:45 when I should be up making breakfast I sometimes just hit the snooze button and play the five more minutes game.  Five more minutes turns to 25 and sometimes more and then I run up the hill with wet hair and curse at the cold and the cars.  I get to my desk at 8:40 and do ten minutes of work in 2 and miss a blitz or call or totally zone out.  

I know most of my annoyance with the position is that time working for here means less time for my personal work, but being annoyed with work really isn't a helpful thing.  It makes me care less because I am annoyed then when things go in the crapper I have less drive to find a plunger.  But last night as I realized how much I had accomplished without turning into a wolf or hermit I realized I am lucky.  I am lucky to be able to do what I do everyday and even if it is at 6pm instead of 5pm I get to make really cool things.  I think this realization came from really helping a girl in the J-shop understand why she needs to be working on what she cares about and not on direct assignments.  It's studio art, so totally allowed. She kept talking about how after this year here ability to make will practically be gone and she will be working and probably never get to do exactly what she wants.  And my job is annoying, but is really fun and I guess I had taken it for granted.  I spend half my hours working on photoshop, imovie or cutting paper.  Yes they can be tedious, but are so educational particularly with my desires in life.  So I lived the moment in the Devil Wears Prada when Niles tells Andy that she needs to realize how lucky she is and flicks her forehead and says "wake up size 4!" ok not a size 4, but my life isn't on the big screen, yet.  I woke up this morning, ok I snoozed it for 50 minutes b/c well I set my alarm WAY earlier than normal so I would wake up at a decent hour.  I made myself breakfast, got to work a little early and made a kickass video! Those imovie skills I got in High School paid off.  I even got the crazy lady here to say good job.  Everyone was super impressed.  It felt great.  It was like people finally said my name right.  AND I have finished 23 crayons.  Yes I have 1 to do, but I didn't want to waste paper so I am holding off until I have something else to etch; the silver box. But I am getting work done, things I love and life isn't bad. And I got a free sandwich for dinner from the crazy woman who normally doesn't like me, but who is slowly realizing I am not an utter tool who occasionally makes jewelry.  

I just need to work hard, complain less and realize that I am a lucky girl.  And after Jan 13th I am going to be even luckier as I travel to Boston every weekend to visit L & D.  Things happen for a reason and we can bitch and complain, and we need to, but I think it is easy to remember the crappy times and not the happy times and today was surely a happy day at work.  It was great. 

And news on a strange front I am speaking on Thursday at a geography panel on "Life After Dartmouth"  Yes me, life after Dartmouth. I e-mailed my old geog prof to talk about grad school.  We set up that meeting then I got an e-mail about five minutes later asking if I could participate in this panel.  He said there were a lot of people who dropped out last minute and my life after Dartmouth only consists of 10 month, but it might be really good to hear my story.  I am totally a last minute fill in, I am aware.  But it might be a lot of fun. I think this will be the closest I get to being a guest lecturer for a while, but nonetheless fun.  If he doesn't write me a recommendation after I tell all his majors to go out there and be somebody then he will never write one. 

AND me and my work lover spoke again today.  We even joked around, and he talked about me when he got back to the studio.  Ok yes I delusional about our relationship, yes he is probably married without my knowledge, yes he is probably crazy when he leaves the office, but I don't care.  We talk, I am happy and as he walks away I mouth "Why don't we just get married"  One day I will get caught, hell I might have been caught without knowing already, but I think it is healthy to have a crush.  And now I am going to get back to work.  

lots of love and hope you are all doing well. And if you aren't watching Betty this season you are crazy,  it is AMAZING, L back me up. It is so great, except for all the socks and heels Betty is sporting.

Below is my video, ok it isn't the coolest thing in the world, but I am happy with it. This thing I am showing is actually boring, but some people are moved.

what job?

IM AT OUR NEW HOME AND ITS WONDERFUL IVE ALMOST FORGOTTEN YESTERDAY!
B and i have allready primed and painted my whole room, were moving on to the hall soon, weve got some snoop dog and whoop there it is blaring, (already making friends in the neighborhood), also allready backed my ass up against a wall full of white primer fully coating my bottom and guess what? I DONT CARE!
and guess what? 'FREE' WIRELESS!
L, call off comcast, were stealing it from now on!!
its the american way!
OH and my genius cat has already pooped in her pan! i mean really! were home.
if you dont all come visit us youre crazy. this is going to be one comfy ass place to crash!
LOVE!
D

fuck this im going back to the sandbox

today i walked into the new york office (not boston because they dont do training there) of my new company with my (mothers hand-me-down) suit pressed to sharp edges and my (H&M) heels clacking on the marble floor of the lobby, bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to meet my "colleagues" and find out about my new "career" and get "oriented."

8 hours later, having sat for almost the entire time in a 5 by 5 conference room that was hot enough to hold a Bikram yoga session, I staggered out of the office dragging behind me the following desperately depressing items:
my 100 page policies and procedures handbook, including information on"death or dismemberment in the workplace"
my 100+ page so-called "office survival guide" including completely unintelligible information on the four different computer programs ill need to understand to do my job
a new blackberry thats already beeping at me with emails from people i don't know with so many functions im pretty sure if i touch it a small country somewhere will explode
a ten pound PC they also felt the need to bestow upon me, the girl who's loyally used a mac since they were made of orange rubber
and as if that weren't generous enough, it came complete with a heinous black over the shoulder computer bag that my mother will promptly light on fire as the high crime of all fashion that it is.

between the physical and emotional weight of these new "gifts" and the effects of my 8 hours of computer tutorial in a sauna, i was really trudging across union square to the subway and i happened to pass a girl about 14 or 15 years old sitting on a bench in the park with what was clearly a highlighted script in her lap. she was reciting the lines to herself and as she did her face was contorting into the most wonderful range of expressions. i actually stopped to watch her. and i actually cried. i actually cried a lot.

when i was her age i wanted to be an actress. a comedian, to be honest. i wanted to make people laugh.

i KNOW that i will learn a tremendous amount from this kind of job. but the reality hit home with a vengeance today and i think what scared me the most was the idea that i accepted this job to be in a new and lovely city with new and lovely people with access to old and lovely friends and family... and this potentially wretched job might actually be so evil that it offers no fullfillment or joy AND doesnt allow me time or energy to do the things that give me fullfillment and joy... or to see the people who make me feel fullfilled and joyous.

to say that im questioning my choices is an understatement. i am also filled with a guilt ive never felt before but have been waiting to creep up on me: that im turning my back on my creative side. that when i finally extract myself from this job i will be creatively deadened. the worst would not be if i quit, the worst would be if i quit and couldnt write a play about it.

but thats where you come in. keep me sane. keep me creative. keep me laughing at myself and for godsake, keep me away from that crackberry.

ill leave you with this, part of a conversation i had last night with a friend about being so-called "grown up" im putting it up here so you can all bear witness to the idealism that i still have in me... an idealism ill be trying my best to protect over the coming months.

"to be a 'grown up' i think, implies the completion of a process, it implies you've done your growing and youve arrived at some final point that is far from where you began. i dont want to be that. i dont want to ever stop growing or learning and i dont ever want to reject the child thats so much a part of me. but lifes demanded a lot of answers recently, and really DEMANDED them- to the big questions of what i want and where i'm going with this job and to the little formalities of 'real' life like what it means that my days off are prorated or how to get a decent cable/internet package for my new home- and people, including myself, scramble for the answers because the world has no patience for people who are figuring life out slowly, our society places a premium on having the answers, having a plan, knowing your shit..so we brainlessly strive for the semblance of security, the appearance of having the answers. people chase the final stage, not the process. and thats so sad to me and yet im going to walk into the office tomorrow in head to toe business causal attire and its in my best interest to appear "grown up." and it scares me. thats all. anyway, hopefully being aware of the degree to which im actually grown as opposed to how grown i might have to act to survive will help keep me honest. "

sick sick sick

ugh i am SICK. the doctor thinks it may be whooping cough (which i though died out with the pioneers ? question mark? apparently not? question mark?) but i think its just a nasty cold. anywho, because of this i have absolutely zero to report. i have spent the last 48hrs, finally giving in after 2 weeks of coughing, either sleeping, coughing, sitting on the couch, and talking to alums (all the while trying to pretend i'm not sick and just have a naturally scratchy and husky voice). i am right now on a LOT of cold medicine, including my beloved "cold snap", which i had abandoned for awhile, foolishly thinking i did not need it. i believe i have shared my love of cold snap with most of you, but if not, it is amazing. it "snaps" the cold right out of you (and not in the delta way, in the homeopathic way)....also the medicine bottle says this, which is pretty amazing:
Directions:
Basic Way: Take 2 capsules three times a day
Another way: Throw out the notion that a printed set of directions will provide the exact
answer. Consider size, constitution, timing and other factors affecting each unique
person.....(it goes on in more detail)...Continue for several days to ensure restoration of
righteous chi. When the process is complete, the system is often stronger for having been
challenged.

really.
i do love it though. and weirdly enough it really does WORK

ugh sorry for the lame/whine-y post....enjoy this broadway clip though! this is from wicked, its from kristin chenoweth's last night as glinda, she gets a little goofy/ridiculous during "popular" LOVE IT

101.9 The Mix

This is my local radio station of choice. It's basically the only thing I listen to for music. And you can't beat the morning chatter of Eric and Kathy.

Aside: Since all this news coverage that I've immersed myself in these past weeks, especially the past few days, I'm going to pick up listening to NPR if I can. It just seems like a right fit instead of rotting my eyes in front of the TV. And I even listened to a few past shows of This American Life during the day today.

But today, from 11am-5pm, I had 101.9 on the entire time. My friend Kevin alerted me to a cash prize they were running today: once an hour, a Pink song will play and caller 10 will win $2000. A pretty simple promotion.

And knowing that I don't do anything productive or particularly useful, he recruited me in his efforts to win and if we did, we'd split the money. I recognized all the songs and had the land line and cell phone to do double-duty, but sadly we didn't win the money.

Which would've been nice since I learned that the GRE costs $140, what a scam.

And will be the focus of my efforts beginning tomorrow and drafting a statement of purpose, which needs to get done by the end of the weekend so I can send the draft along to recommenders.

Purpose!

It's a good day...(my second attempt)

"Change is Good"

As J said so well, today I am proud to be an American. Now I can't remember what exactly I wrote on my first attempt, but it was along of the jist of this is such an amazing time to be alive in this country and I am truly hopeful. Last night we had our neighbors over, we popped champagne, cheered, got misty eyed during his speech and even set off fireworks in the street (we did seem to be the only ones celebrating on our block, or at least celebrating so obviously, but that's what makes us special). In addition, prop 4 failed, yay! There is a dark cloud though, prop 8 in CA passed, a CA constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. Although I am so proud of my country, I am disappointed in my state (which you all know I love so much). It just goes to show that our country has come so far, yet still has much further to go.


On a complete change of subject, I want to share a little photo essay/posting on my Martha Stewart Halloween, or as I like to think of it: getting in touch with my inner goddess...

As a family, we pimped out our outside.


Here is Mom and Mike getting into the spirit (Mom more than Mike) and giving our candy.


My marathon of domestic creativity started with my pumpkin carving, of which I am quite proud.


I cooked all day, my octoberfest/halloween meal consisted of blood cocktails (not real blood of course), bratwursts with apple sauerkraut, Garlic and fresh herb boiled potatoes, a green bean almond salad of my own creation, a mixed green salad, fondant ghost cupcakes for dessert (i caved and bought the cupcakes and frosting, seriously ran out of time for that, but i did the decorating myself!), and the crowning achievement pretzels, homemade pretzels, from scratch. Holy crap i did not know what i was getting into, but I pulled it off and if I do say so myself (and I do and so did everyone else) it was all pretty tasty. I don't mean to boast, I was just really excited that it all worked out and was actually successful so I had to shar. So enjoy the visual feast!




That last one was the aftermath. I firmly believe that when you cook, you shouldn't have to clean, but alas no one in my house shares that belief.

And to end my post, I give you your weekly cute election style:


and an extra special bonus.. a picture of my puppy!! look at my cute little puppy..who's so cute?... Angel is!

Desire to make change

Hi ladies and Craig,

I would first like to use this time to say I have a new faith in the nation I was born into. I have a belief that tomorrow will be better than today and that yesterday is a memory of an America that was, and still could be, but with faith and drive and the desire to see a better world it will not be. And that I see the possibility to proudly call myself American, something that I never truly said with honor before. Obama is the chance we needed to take, the human we want and the man that can push limitations, question accepted norms and make us reflect as individuals and a nation. This is a proud moment, and I am so joyous to see it play out in my lifetime.

I haven't had Internet all day because Stanford is greedy and doesn't provide an open wireless system. But even with their greed and bag checks at the exit to the library I have fallen inlove. (I like to see it as one word not two) I like to think I know what love is, and after much pondering as of late I think I managed to love a place as much as I love individuals or scrappy. I guess it really isn't a love of place, but rather a love of connectivity. I am a true believer of something feeling right. I live my life through feelings and me being here just feels right. The people are wonderful, the work is amazing and the opportunities are endless. And I walked into the design loft and coho (the cafe) and felt like I could see myself there. Like I could vision Jennifer walking to get a sandwich (which are AMAZING, Lily you would love it, and of course your brother recommended the place, good taste runs in the fam) i could decorate my little cubical and live a happy sleep deprived over worked life here. And thankfully I have some training in being over worked and under slept and fully committed.

I think I have never wanted anything in my life than to have the chance to be a part of this program. Being here has made me look at myself and my goals and wonder if what I want is even meaningful enough. I care a lot about people, although I claim to hate most people and I curse at, or openly express my annoyance with many people, I still care deeply about my human wo/man, particularly when s/he isn't an utter buffoon. But we all know when they are idiots I can't seem to stop myself from making them aware of their deficiencies as humans. With that said I don't know if my work up until this point has showcased that love of humanity and that care I have. And listening to projects and seeing how people are thinking has made me open my heart and mind to a whole new opportunity. It is great to make people question, to make people happy to make people feel good about themselves. I would never give that up in the world, but to make peoples lives better by helping them live, by giving them the opportunities to help them provide for themselves or their families is a gift that no pair of earrings can compare to. I watched a slide show on products designed here that made rice farmers in Asia finally be able to turn a profit by containing water for an irrigation system, another project that made families be able to save 50 plus dollars a year (which in Senegal is HUGE) on cooking supplies. And another project that to date has saved millions of children who would normally die in the home after birth because they were premature.
These projects just opened up a new world of design to me that I never thought I could be a part of, you think I am not a doctor or an engineer how could I impact someone on such a fundamental level, and the truth is we are all capable, but need to be able to see how we can participate in the dialogue.

Don't get me wrong I still want to be Oprah/Martha/Anna Wintour, but I think I am just adding to the list and seeing how I can make change and get metal crayon sleeves into the hands as as many people as I can.

But beyond my idealist rant, I just feel so right here. And visiting hasn't put pressure on me and scare me to the amount of work I have to do, but rather it makes me excited about the opportunity that I may get next year, or some other year down the line. Every day is an education, and as we all know we need to crawl before we walk, and who knows when in my life I will be able to walk fully as a designer, but I know that my path will come back to this place no matter if I get a big envelope on March 15th or a small one. I will try my hardest and push for the best and I will just see where that takes me. And all I want now is to do more work and keep creating. And also this trip has shown me that I need another year before I do this, I need to have a year where I work but don't kill myself and that I do something I would normally never do, because this program is probably as intense if not more intense than I am as a person, which means I would be working much harder than I already do, which is great but might put me in a distraught mental/physical and emotional state considering this year is probably just as hard as grad school. So if given the chance to come here next year I am going to defer for a year and do something else, maybe live in D &L's living room, maybe travel, maybe teach English, maybe date Mr timberlake, maybe even woof. But I know there is something I need to experience before I come here and get this education and I don't want to rush life like I normally do.

And now as I try to find Ian's room in the dark I am signing off. I miss you all very much and have thought a lot about friendship lately and how important it is, and I haven't mentioned how much you all mean to me and how much this blog means to me. So this is me saying it. I have been really crazy and loopy and have done things recently that are even a little over the top for me lately and I am realizing that lack of true human contact is the result of that. And I am going to do my best to put myself and my need to stay connected with the people I care about in the forefront of my life.

Drowning.

I am drowning in election coverage. It's taken over my life. I had all intentions of going out today, seeking a part-time job and then taking advantage of mid 60 degrees and sun to go for a run. What did I do instead? Made copious amounts of tea, continually re-cinched the belt on my robe and flipped between MSNBC and CNN while reading coverage on my computer. And it's now 9pm. The most major thing I have done today is relocate from the kitchen to the family room.

I've even begun to see how the rest of the world is viewing us. Looking at the BBC, the Times, Der Spiegel. What is going on? But that's a result of a great essay I read last night in the Times written by Andrew Sullivan. Hands down the best thing that I've read so far. And it saddens me a bit that something of that quality would never get published in an American paper. Have you ever seen the word misecegenated published in an American paper in all the coverage we've had of Obama? Because I just googled it and nothing came up save for Sullivan's essay.

Thankfully, I'm watching election coverage tomorrow night with a friend. Woo for actual friends instead of the fake ones I've made of Rachel, Chris, Wolf, and Andrea.

I'm very much looking forward to voting tomorrow.

And in my scouring of all sorts of media these past few days, I found this gem. Well, it's not really a gem or even worth watching the entirety of it, I just think the concept of it is hilarious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25jhBVaiQw0

(because i have no idea how to post from youtube)

love post

ladies-and-craig, today id like to write a post about love.
a love post.
like a love letter.
but not.
because this is about love thats done.
done like the corn pudding i left in the oven on low for over two days and had to throw the whole casserole dish out.
done like you felt after finals with one greasy strand of hair sticking out of your head dragging yourself across the green with a broken pencil and some notes about a class you cant even remember in your hand kind of done.
done like a kid on a potty screaming for you to come wipe his butt, hes done.
love-thats-done has been cropping up all around me and its taken until now for me to catch the trend and have enough sense to reflect on it.
the kicker came last night. ive been elbow deep in dust up in my attic trying to rob my own house of anything i might be able to use in L and my new home (rosemary grinder! set of flowery dinner plates from paternal great grandmother ruth! silver chalice! ?) and in the process ive re-remembered why my attic is the eight wonder of the world. so many secrets. so many lives. so much squirrel shit.
in my digging i came across a box of my dads, who is himself part squirrel. ive never met a man who collects and keeps and hoardes more than this man. there were about three hundred notes from him to my grandparents written from hotchkiss and camp (fat camp, if were going to be honest, but the family doesnt talk about it) who KEEPS that? but in all fairness the box had some gems, like his Dragons (dartmouth secret society) paraphanalia, pictures of his first wife (found out about her existence in another one of these attic hunts about seven years ago) and most of all, a whole file on my mother. including, yes, love letters.
reading a love poem written by my mother to my father, unhappily married for 15 years, seperated for ten, currently in the midst of a hell of a divorce, was bittersweet to say the least.
first of all, who knew my mother could or would ever write a poem. a POEM. and it wasnt the kind of poem one person writes blindly to another, it was the kind of work one does when theres no doubt the reader feels exactly the same way. it was so intimate it was practically written in their own language.
i always assumed my parents married for convenience. i basically excused their pathetic attempt at a marriage, based on that false pretense and ive always taken comfort in the fact that i wouldnt settle for that if i ever got married, so i couldnt possible end up the way they have.
at first, sitting there reading, i was moved. warmed. she had it in her to be soft. they had it in them, to love.
but then i had no idea what to do with it. its the kind of thing one keeps. evidence of a species of love that science, and i, never knew existed... but i cant tell you how dirty i felt reading it. not only because i was litterally covered in dust, head to toe, up my nostrils. not only because it was a little too racy for me to stomach. mostly because it completely tore down my faith in what i thought i knew to be "real" or "false" love. and poetry. poetry! this vehicle of supposed truth ive used my whole life to sort out and express how i feel, particularly in love, and here it is sitting in my hands in its most honest incarnation and its completely irrelevant. they actually loved eachother. and now they actually only communicate through their lawyers.
the creepiest part? three lines in this poem, albeit short but words not commonly used together, were startlingly familiar.
because i wrote two of them. and one was written to me. recently. what the hell.
and it was particularly startling because against some odds ive spent the summer wrestling my opinion of my most recent love into the success column of the scorecard my heart seems to be keeping. it was beautiful while it lasted and i refuse to let it drift into the questionable column but it is taking all i have to remain untainted by doubt or bitterness. so maybe i am lying to myself. or maybe thats just the natural tendency when love is ending to re-file it as a failure even when it was a success in the moment...
well i eventually slipped the poem back into the file and eventually, its lines looping in my head, fell asleep.
and then i woke up to, of all things, a text message from a dear friend renouncing love.
based on an ex's behavior now, five months after the relationship, she decided it had never happened, theyd never been in love, shed never been loved.
basically she was doing what my parents did. they stopped believing it had ever happened to such an extent that they convinced everyone around them that they couldnt have possibly been in love at any time. well they were. i saw the note and believe me, thirty years later it was still hot to the touch. just as words to and from this person ive loved will be thirty years from now when my nosey offspring finds them. just as notes passed between my friend and this guy will still be full of the love i saw between them, even years from now. the emotions were valid in the moment. and the relationships are each done now.
so is love a formula? are we all wandering around thinking its happening in a unique way to us and were really all just drinking from the same crazy coolaid?
what makes the difference between a love thats left to rot up in an attic and a love thats kept alive, that fills the rest of the house...
to say that my parents, or she, or i, should accept that love happened and accept that its ended now feels incredibly trite, incredibly insensitive, and incredibly impossible to move forward from. and yet we keep trying.
i feel like theres a cherub somewhere laughing his ass off as he puppeteers us into painful situations asking "why ya keep hittin yourself? why ya keep hittin yourself?"