Peeing my pants, crawling in the corner and throwing my hands in the Airrrrrrr

So it seems so soon since I last posted, but it is tuesday again.  And since it seems so close to my last post it must mean I didn't make nearly as much work as I should have.  Damn it. It's true.  I am in a tiny rut and need to make my way out of it.  I have been in the studio these last few evenings and instead of making real work I have been learning techniques and e-mailing people at Dartmouth and Stanford about applying, but sorta neglecting the actual portfolio.  Trying to get back on track is a little difficult. I have so many ideas running through my head, I can't settle down, and then I get side tracked so nothing is in a presentable state. And I am very confused by the difference between craft, art, high art, design and my voice.  I read theories on it, but at the end seem a little more confused than before and wonder why one day I am making large party earrings, the next a plexi chair you can use as a piggy bank and then the next a word templet in the design of children's learning tools that teach people how to write shit, fuck and motherfucker. That last word might be too derivative of fuck, still working on that. 

I have seen all my Art professors and they are on board with Stanford and helping me, and now I am waiting on my engins prof who i am very afraid is not on board.  Lets see what happens in the next week.  As much as I mingle with Professors and love them and talk to them about drinking, sex and paying rent anytime the topic approaches my own work ALL I WANT TO DO IS DIE IN THE CORNER.  I think it has something to do with respect and admiration and sorta elevating them to gods.  It's like they can do no wrong.  And although some of them I don't love on personal levels I still have such high respect for them that they say one thing and i feel the pee creeping out and go back to wanting to die in the corner.  Today I was asked how i managed to get the Artist-In-Residence position.  Because well in the Art field thats a big deal and typically doesn't happen this early in life.  And lets be real, I couldn't get that position anywhere else but Dartmouth at this stage in my life, but still I got it even if it was a fluke. So my response, " A miracle?" It was a miracle I didn't break through the glass of the Jaffe Friede Gallery running away so quickly.  

So now I am trying to light a firecracker to jam in my underwear in hopes that I don't make all these respected professionals question my dedication and passion to be a real artist. (and most of the time all I want to call myself is a designer so who knows what I want, No I know, I want to be referred to by my first name like Martha.)

Thankfully my office job is going well, just super busy. And I know myself, I can EASILY throw myself into that and not make work, so I am trying to get the leg work in now and ease off in a few days.  So it is so intensive b/c I am recruiting for the Arts club and trying to get that off the floor and its difficult.  It means lots of blitzing, lots of writing, lots of paperwork and lots of running.  But the meeting went well yesterday and today I got to interview for my intern.  Yes me, I get an intern.  But strangely enough I only make $6.70 more than he or she will, and after my taxes, and their non taxes probably the difference is more like $3.00 but Regardless I get an intern and that should be fun.  I had SEVEN interviews today, who knew working with me would be such an in demand job.  And it sorta sucks, b/c there are 3 who I really liked, 1 of which would do a good job and the other 2 who i feel personally connected to.  There are 2 who would do a good job and are trying hard but I didn't fall madly in love with and 2 who were dudy.  So I don't want to turn them down but alas I can only pick 1. I am trying to get the others jobs in the hop but I don't know if they will work out. 

Surprise surprise, I have taken a new lover, he is 31 and could provide me the mexican redheaded babies I so desire.  But he is 31 and probably sees me as a student and probably has a wife and kid/s at home.  I haven't given up hope but I probably won't venture out to say more than "Hi, can you give me that poster to hand out at my meeting" so he may never know of my love, and maybe that's a good thing.  OR he already knows about my love and smiles at me because he feels sad that I can't seem to find a nice young man who is my own age. Ladies I will keep you updated, but i feel like maybe I have more luck getting my teenage pop star by the name of jesse than the current love.  

Can someone tell me why I didn't go into the Entertainment business.  I listen to a NYC radio station at all times when I am alone. I have tried to ignore people and listen when they can hear in the background of my desk in the j-shop, or when it is my turn to pick the music, but other people totally judge.  All the enlightened Dartmouth students prefer to listen to NPR or some hipster music, not my JLO and morning pranks.  They apparently think discussions on elderly strippers and listening to Flo-Rider is inane.  They can kiss my ass. Sorry guys that has been bothering me all damn week.  I read CNN, the NY Times and random blogs on a very regular basis. And no not just the design, fashion and style sections. I know the 411, I am following as much as my little brain can follow, but sometimes I just need to hear a possible list of elderly stripper names, or throw my hands in the air at the command of the Black Eyed Peas, or listen to a prank call on renting out a house for a porno. That isn't everyones cup of tea, but I think I should get respect for my special flavor. 

Ok I should probably get back to work or at least kill this damn fly that has been bothering me the ENTIRE time I have been writing.  Till next week!