I’m impressed no one forgot to post or, you know, accidentally deleted the whole blog.
And I’m including myself in that.
As I write this I’m on a ferry going from Orient Point, NY to New London CT. Ill be wandering around New England for a few days, interviewing and visiting people I miss. My grandmother. Hopefully J. Hopefully M, too but im trying not to count on that.
The combination of wind and sun is making it one of those incredible pre-fall crispy days where animals run in circles for no reason.
And I’m including humans in that.
Everyone from Petunia who leapt out the door this morning and tore around the yard like shed been bitten in the butt, to the dozens of cyclists and runners I passed on my way here, to the child I just watched scamper by spastically… everyone’s feeling good.
Its amazing the variety of ways we express the the joy that bubbles up inside us on a glorious day… For much of my drive I was encased in a pack of suburban bikers- leather clad dads who wheel out the Harley on Sundays and cruise, unsmilingly, up and down the Island. That’s their way, I guess.
I felt like I was in a motorcade. It was kind of great.
But it’s actually bittersweet that I’m on this ferry today. For eight years at exactly this time of year, give or take a few days, this crossing has meant I was on my way back to school. And at the risk of entering sappyland, I realize now more than ever, in a backwards way, this trip meant I was going home.
Today I feel none of the excitement, elation, anticipation of returning to someplace full of traditions I looked forward to or people I can be myself around. I know I have exciting things to do and people to see on this trip (and in life in general,) but for whatever reason I feel like I’m floating above myself with dissapointingly little perspective on the bigger picture. I'm going through the motions of my days as an out of body experience.
But then I get frustrated with myself, after all I made choices that led me away from having routine for the sake of routine, security for the sake of security. I believed in those choices and I still do, so then I'm constantly trying to enjoy the “freedom” and recognize how lucky I am, trying to be satisfied by the worth of each day without questioning what its all leading to.
Jesus I feel seasick.
That’s not a metaphor, I actually feel like i'm going to hurl. This goddamn boat is rocking like a mother.
At least I’m doing better than the guy to my left who’s leaning off the side of the boat looking about as green as an oompa loompa.
His wifes patting his back which is nice but I hope she realizes she’s down wind…
Its funny in the absence of a job or routine, I have become even more of a people watcher than I already was. Though there’s a different motivation these days.
Before, I watched in part to store away information for plays: body language between a couple, a great snippet of dialogue, (I just heard, “well if your sister wasn’t a lesbian it wouldn’t be so awkward to bring her to the circus”…question mark) and I'd be lying if I didn’t admit I watched people in part for the satisfaction of smacking down a completely unsubstantiated judgment.
Love that judging.
But these days I watch to learn. More than I ever did in my 18 years as a student, I find myself frantically seeking out learning opportunities. Whether its listening to NPR or devouring brochures on random diseases I find in a waiting room or studying people around me, I seem to be cramming for a test on life that I’m already starting to take.
And for which I feel majorly unprepared.
The point is: I am in transit. In every way.
And I miss each of you and I’m excited for all of your various adventures, even if im struggling with my own, even as I know you are all struggling for your own reasons, and I hope this wasn’t too much of a downer to start your week but when I actually post this I’m going to find some kind of insane picture to add below to send you off on a high note.
yep. this should do it:
4 comments:
That picture is amazing. I love signs that make you wonder just what/who it was that made them necessary.
at some point i realized how significant it was that i/we aren't going back to school now. Basically it is a pattern we have followed for the majority of our still short time we've been here. Now it's different and with that we become different.
And I have to say, part of me does miss the seasons changing. Although I still love my sunshine.
oh i miss the fall foliage as well!
and snaps to judging, and to ridiculous signs!
Can someone tell me what the hell is going on in that last picture. Is he breaking down the door?
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