12:03 am

this is the sentence i just wrote:
"...For example, moving forward only power distribution units and remote power panels with branch circuit monitoring will be purchased, allowing the company to take measurements as close to the load as possible. The company will also be taking advantage of maintenance windows to install metering devices at critical distribution points, again to facilitate accurate and meaningful measurements..."

guys. really, im tired. tired of this.

L came to an office dinner thrown by my greek coworker at her house on saturday and L saw with her own eyes that everything id said was true about the marvelous manic people i work with. maybe she can describe further some of the antics she witnessed. but im so glad that she did witness it all, because now when i come home agonizing over the huge gaping breach between my feelings for the people and my feelings for the job, shell know it not just relative. they really are fantastic.

half hour ago i blew up at my mom when she told me to go into office a little later tomorrow since i was working late tonight. im wracked with guilt for yelling at her, even if she was flippant and patronizing, because that shit i just wrote, that scramble of "knowledge" thats slowly eating the good side of my brain, is not worth yelling at someone i love over. its not even worth being up this late for. and yes, i now consider 12:00 to be late.

maybe im mostly upset because i read a blog post by a friend living in Peru about not asking: where do i go from here? what is the right next step? instead just being open to change, open to opportunity... and i understand that those principles got her where she is now, to what i can only comprehend to be a heavenly situation, but on nights like this i can't seem to even imagine that applying to me. i feel trapped and too weak to push off the things that have fallen on me or, a greater form of weakness, give up the things that have been given to me.

sorry to be a downer but i waited all day to see if it would wear off and it didnt. so... tough beans.